There was one thing I did not expect to feel when my mom died. I figured I would be a sobbing puddle on the floor, that I wouldn't be able to stop crying, that I'd be a basket case.
Grief is so weird.
I've done a little research, as I was concerned that I seem to be blocking out all of the important grieving processes and what I found out is that one of the most common symptoms of intense grief is exhaustion.
I've never slept so much in my life. I'm getting pretty good sleep during the night, but as soon as Joey is off to school, I'm right back in bed. This morning, I couldn't get up until 11:15! I simply could not wake up. And even after all of that sleep (because I had a pretty good night last night), I needed another 5 hours.
This exhaustion thing is really eating into my days. By the time I'm up and moving around, it's already lunch time and I'm still going to bed around 10:00 every night, so that's just not much time to get a lot of things accomplished.
Which works out okay, since I don't seem to have the energy once I am up to do anything except sit in the recliner and sew. The agoraphobia is back in spades and now that Joey has an aide, I have been able to really limit the amount of time I am out of the house. I think I'm afraid that it's going to hit me while I'm out and I'm going to break down in public. The grief counselor told me that is called a "grief burst." And yeah, I've had them, usually in the car, usually triggered by a song or a stray thought. Like I need to call my mom to tell her something and then realize they don't have cell phone service in heaven.
I've been spending a lot of time wondering about the heaven thing, as I have never really been a believer. Of course, I pray in my head all the time, even though I don't know if anyone or anything is hearing my prayers. I might just be talking to myself. I also talk to my mom in my head, but that seems more normal to me.
My mom was not a religious person (hence my "meh" attitude towards it), so I wonder if she went to heaven because doesn't Christianity say if you haven't "accepted" Christ as your savior, you can't get into heaven? But there was never a more decent, loving, kind, accepting, wonderful person as my mom and if she can't get into heaven because she hadn't been "saved," then I'm going to be really mad at God when I get there. Assuming he's there.
I've gotten really interested in maybe going to a medium to see if I can connect with Mom (and maybe Malea). I know most people don't believe in that type of thing, but if I could find someone who was reputable. Any recommendations are welcome.
I've been thinking more and more about the new tattoo that I've been wanting for the last 3 years, since Juliana died. First it was just a butterfly, but now I want a butterfly with a cancer ribbon and I don't know what color to make the ribbon because there is no color for sarcoma and my mom didn't like the pink ribbon because they throw so much money at breast cancer research and so little to the rare type of cancer that she had. Only 10,000 people in the United States get myxofibrosarcoma in one year. Oncologists actually have bets as to whether or when they will get their first patient with the type of cancer that my mom had. So again, all suggestions are welcome.
If the exhaustion is a symptom and eventually goes away as the mind prepares to adjust to the loss of the person you were so close to, I'm scared about that because I don't know how to handle a pain that large. It was inconceivable to me two and a half years ago that my mother could die from cancer. It was inconceivable that Malea could die from breast cancer because of the progress that has been made in treating that disease.
I'm trying to get back into the writing/blogging thing, but there are days (lots of days) when I just can't think of anything to say. Losing my mom made me lose my words. And I suspect that if all I write about is grief, it will get pretty boring to read it.
So, I'm once again at a crossroads, wondering whether this blog should continue or if I should give it up as something I just can't handle. Still not sure on the answer to that.
I think it's time for a nap...