Monday, January 28, 2013

I'm So Mad When I'm Not Weeping Uncontrollably

I know I haven't been the best of bloggers lately, but that is mostly because I have not had anything good to say and, since I hate reading negative posts myself, I figured I would just leave well enough alone and stick to stitching.

But after thinking it over, I realized that until I actually sat down and wrote out the fact that I am pissed off and depressed and why, I might not be able to get to a better place. So, for those of you who want unicorns and rainbows and glitter up your butt, you probably should stop reading now.

Here's your chance to move on....

Still with me? Okay, here's the scoop.

My best friend died in October and I'm absolutely still sick about it. But the world moves on and you are expected to also. Her husband wants me to work on her website for her foundation and I really want to do that, but now I am in the midst of my mother being very sick again and I find that I just don't have the emotional energy to put into fundraising for under 40 breast cancer patients while my mom is entering hospice care and having trouble walking. And also the fact that she is 600 miles away and the flights are out of this world expensive (which I didn't realize until after I had bought some new furniture and took a three day retreat to Ocean City for a stitching group) is really making me mad on top of my depression and recurrent bouts of sobbing.

I am going to slip in here something that I am very ashamed of. I am really angry at Malea for dying on me. She promised to be here for me while my mom is going through this cancer shit and she went and died first, so now I am dealing with it on my own. Well, not exactly on my own - I have Justin, who is awesome, and I have my therapist, who saves my life every week, and I have a lot of friends I have made in the sewing guild and also online friends. But it's simply not the same as it would be if Malea was alive for me to call every day and cry on her shoulders about how unfair cancer is. Like she wouldn't be the first one to agree with that statement, right? I know it wasn't her plan to die, but dammit, I need her and and I'm so mad at her for her cancer which is so unfair to her. She didn't ask for breast cancer, she fought harder than anyone I've ever known except my mom, and she lost her fight. Not. Her. Fault. But I keep fighting these angry feelings of "You promised you would be here and now you're not and it's not fair! You're supposed to be here!"

I keep having these weird dreams about some building that is somehow both a mall and a college dorm and I have to get on the elevator to get to either the dorm room or to class. This morning's dream was I was in an art class (something I am putting off, but plan to do) and I was late for a physics class. So I went to get on the elevator, but couldn't find the one that would take me to my dorm room to get my science book and then I decided screw it. I was failing math and science in this dream and I wasn't going to class because what was the point? And I didn't have the money for the tuition for the next semester, so I had taken someone's jewelry to sell and was trying to sell it and not get caught so I could pay my tuition.

I know. Weird, right? Analyze that, Freud.

I'm just mad all the time. Well, when I'm not crying hysterically because my life basically sucks. Justin is working about 20 hours of overtime a week and I am being as understanding as I can because his working pays for so much of the stuff I want to do and you know, keeps food on the table and the lights on, but I find that my husband is either always working and unavailable or too tired to have a conversation and to be honest, I miss him. But I can't say that because it puts pressure on him to spend more time with me and he doesn't have more time. So, both mad and depressed about that.

And, to make life even more fun, because Virginia has had a couple of inches of snow and a little bit of icy rain, school has been closed for about 10 days. Except for the one day they went last week. I expect to rearrange things in the summer to accommodate for this, but when it happens in the winter, it just throws me off kilter and makes me irritable, so I snap at Jamie for wanting to online shop and at Joey for making so much dirty laundry and then I feel even worse about myself.

I'm sure you know from my last post that we adopted a new puppy and she is an absolute sweetheart, but in the last week, she got a urinary tract infection and lost all of her training because she physically couldn't wait to go outside. So I was running around after her for three days cleaning up little puddles until our vet could get here. And with three dogs and no doggy door, Justin and I spend our days getting up to let the dogs in and out, which frankly is making me crazy. It's like herding two year olds, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it. We can't exactly tell them no, you just came in and I'm not letting you out again because you never know if they have to do their business and trust me, you do not want that in your house and then you can't exactly leave them outside because it's -10 degrees and you will have a dogsicle if you don't let them in. But in a few words, they are driving both of us nuts. That third dog tipped the scales just like having the third kid did.

I'd say I am having a bad bout of seasonal affective disorder, but situational depression seems way more likely. I'm walking around either totally pissed off and cussing or crying hysterically and no one knows what to do with me. I told Justin I feel like I have a bad case of PMS that just won't go away and he said he would be moving out now...not really, but he probably would like to run for it.

(Since I started writing this post, I have gotten up to clean up dog puke, give Sophie her UTI medicine, give Sophie her breakfast, and let each of them out several times. Do you see why I'm exasperated?)

All I want to do is sleep (which I'm doing a lot of, probably too much) and stitch and be left alone. But it's like I've traded one family of kids for another by having all these dogs and I seriously did not think it through because the little one is so damned cute. We talked about three being too many dogs, but Justin and I both agree that giving any of them up would be like Sophie's (pardon the pun) Choice. We're just too attached to them all, so if anyone has any answers that don't involve crating or a doggy door (because the cats would get out and I'm attached to them), I would love to hear them. Of course, I probably won't follow through with any suggestions if they involve any work, so I think I am stuck getting up from whatever episode of Parenthood that I am streaming 15 times to let them in and out and cursing so much that Joey will be kicked out of school at some point in the near future for repeating everything I've had to say lately, which is nothing but four letter words and incomprehensible mumbling through the tears.

In a word, I'm an emotional wreck that doesn't want to leave the house and wants to sleep all the time. And I would really like it if Frederick County would realize that a little bit of winter weather is not a good reason to cancel school for 19 days in a row. My routine is thrown off (and yes, I really do have a routine - it's just that no one knows what it is) and the kids are bored. Joey has done nothing but play video games and Jamie has done almost nothing but skype with his online girlfriend and I think they need to go learn something.

So, to sum up, I'm pretty much furious with cancer, mad at the world, crying uncontrollably at least once or twice a day, and taking it one breath at a time. I feel like I need a vacation from everything, but I just had a weekend away to stitch, so I don't think it's fair to say I need a vacation.

Oh. And to top off everything, the woman who I went to the retreat with had a massive heart attack the day after we got back. She's home now and doing okay, but I can't imagine what I would have done if it had happened while we were in Ocean City or while I was driving. I don't know CPR, so the best I could have done for her would have been to call 911 and I think I should take a CPR class, but I don't have the energy and I know I would skip class (see above dream) because I just wouldn't feel like going.

So, I'd like to apologize to everyone for how mad I am right now, although I can't say it's going to change anytime soon. And if I burst into tears on you, don't worry. It will pass in about an hour.

I have to go let the dog in. Or out. I'm not sure.


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