Saturday, September 29, 2012

Letting Go to the Universe

Since Malea and Jason moved back to Virginia, I have been a steady constant in her life. There were times that I wasn't there when she needed me. But I like to think that when she truly did need me, I was there for her.

There is no time I would rather be there for her than right now, as she goes into hospice care this weekend. I am frightened and overwhelmed with emotion right now and can't go an hour without bursting into tears. Malea is more of a sister to me than any I might have had by blood relation.

And honestly, I can't understand a God who would allow a 38 year old mother of four and new grandmother to die. Why do the good people get the worst breaks and the wretched, nasty, criminal people never do. Cancer should not be something a 38 year old woman should be fighting.

Malea has fought to live harder than anyone I have ever known. She has fought every battle since she was diagnosed in April of 2009 and gone through more pain and more ugly treatments and surgeries than I could begin to list here. (Most of her history is on the tab up above if you want to see what she's been through.)

Her family is gathering around her to support her at this horrendous, tragic time. She and Jason have a very large, extended family and they are all here now. Which means that I am having to let her go before I was ready and before the end comes. This is not an easy thing to do and I am really in agony right now. Her not being here and healthy is already taking its toll, as there is a huge hole inside of me where Malea belongs. No one will ever take her place, although I know I have a lot of people who support me and will be there for me while this everlasting grieving takes place.

I like to think of all of the happy times we shared. Of when we met at the bus stop when Jamie and Dallas were going off to kindergarten 10 years ago. The times we spent, every single day, at each other's homes, scrapbooking and me teaching her to cross stitch. I have a very special cross stitch that she made for me that I will be taking to have framed when I can find the time. It's beautiful and has so much meaning, so I am going to share it with you.

It is layered in meaning for both of us and I am so grateful that she made this for me. It will have a special place on my wall.

I am trying to think of happier times, which really weren't so long ago.

This picture was taken at the last fundraiser. I managed to go (with Justin driving), even though this is one of the biggest anxiety problems for me - a crowd of people and loud music. It was well worth it just to get this probably last picture of the two of us. Because damned if I didn't forget to have someone take our picture together when I was at the hospital snapping away on Wednesday.

I am hoping to start a new blog shortly with all of Malea's story, pictures, and information on metastatic breast cancer. If and when that happens, I will be sure to link you.

For now, I am trying to get through this as best I can, leaning on my family and my friends.  My facebook friends have been amazing and I thank all of them for continuing to listen to me cry on their shoulders. Justin is my rock and always here to help me get through this to the other side.

Malea is a one of a kind, beautiful spirit. I am heartbroken that her life is ending at the age of 38. Her life hasn't been an easy one, but she has faced every challenge with a grace I can only hope to achieve some day.

Letting go is never easy. Letting go of Malea is agony. Knowing that we will never get the red dress shoot, never get together for a day of lunch and shopping, that I can't text her whenever I want to and just shoot the breeze or bitch about life...well, that is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I am a better person for having known and loved her. I am so grateful for the ten years we have had as best friends. I know that people come into your life and people leave your life. I just wasn't ready to let her go yet.


1 comment:

  1. I can't imagine what you're going through and can think of nothing that would make you feel better (as there probably is no such thing). I just wanted to comment to let you know I am thinking of you and Malea both (I don't know her but through your blog I feel I know her a little).



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