Thursday, June 14, 2012

Blogging Angst

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting much at all over the past few weeks. I just wanted to explain why I can't seem to get the words on the page.

Of course, there's always the writer's block excuse, but I don't think that's it.

A month or two ago, I wrote a blog post and made a joke that I thought was amusing about something that was going on in our neighborhood. Justin agreed that it was funny. I hit "publish" and thought nothing further about it.

Until I got the angry email from someone who had taken offense that I had written about what was going on down the street. I was horrified. The last thing I ever want to do with my writing is offend someone I like and admire. And the problem was that it never occurred to me that what I had said would be in any way offensive.

Ever since that happened, I've had a hard time writing on this blog. I got my stitching blog up and running and am very happy about that, but my daily spewing of my mental processes just stopped. I didn't connect the fact that I had gotten that email and the fact that I wasn't really putting myself out there anymore. But my therapist pointed it out to me on Tuesday and, sure enough, I'm pretty confident that's the reason I haven't been spitting out my regular nonsense and frippery on this blog.

Of course, there are also other things going on in my life that are making me feel a bit more introspective and making me not want to overshare. Which for me is like someone cut off my tongue. Me not sharing is kind of weird and very not like me. But life is kind of sucky right now and people get sick of seeing nothing but bad updates on blogs and their Facebook statuses. I don't know which is worse on Facebook - the sharing of sayings over and over or people who can never find anything positive to say.

I've had a rough time lately. Not more than anyone else's, but enough to really bring me down and to a place where I don't feel like writing much.

My best friend has stage 4 breast cancer, metastasized to her lungs and lymph nodes. I'm very sad that I can't do more to help her.

Every time my mom goes in for her regular lung scan, I hold my breath for three or four days. So far, she's had two and the last one was clean (yay!) and she doesn't have to go back for six months. But, it's scary to think about the cancer coming back, as the doctor told her that it in all probability will come back.

My oldest son has decided not to pursue a four year degree. He will finish up his associates degree while working a minimum wage job (he's promised me to at least finish the AA) and hopes to move out early next year. While I am happy that he made the decision that he really didn't want to run up student loan debt after he discovered that he really wasn't interested in being a history teacher, I am concerned about the example his father and I have set. I have my bachelors degree in psychology and a lot of student debt, 10 years after finishing. And no job, due to being disabled and not having an advanced degree. His father is a senior UNIX engineer for a major corporation, works from home, and makes a very decent salary. To Ben, it looks like getting a degree doesn't really get you anywhere, since his father didn't get one and look at how good he's doing.

I would have gone on and gotten my master's degree, but when I finished the bachelors, I had so much debt, not to mention three kids, that I just couldn't justify going ahead and adding to my debt. And a bachelors degree in psychology doesn't help much. But the point is that it never hurts you to have a four year degree. But we can't convince our 20 year old, who sees the reality of our home and not the reality of the real world.

Jamie, the 15 year old, failed his math SOL twice and now has to go to summer school for two weeks in July to take a special class to review his math skills and retake the test. I actually think this will be good for him, but it's kind of pissing me off that his unwillingness to study has become my problem because now I will have to get him back and forth to school for two weeks that I had planned on sleeping in. (Justin will probably take him in the morning, but he also walks the dogs, so I kind of feel like it's not really fair to ask him to do the driving.)

Not only did Jamie fail the math SOL that he has to pass to graduate high school, he also failed the test to get his learner's permit to learn how to drive on Monday. Which means I have to take him back to the DMV a second time and pray that he passes it that time. Everyone knows how much fun going to the DMV is. It's right up there with a root canal.

Banging. My. Head. Against. The. Wall.

And, to wrap things up, I found some type of growths in a place I'd rather not discuss and will be going to the specialist today to see if I need to have them biopsied. Although I can come up with a bunch of really cool names for the type of cancer I possibly could have (probably not, but that nagging feeling is always in the back of my mind), I have been doing everything I can to not think about the upcoming appointment and what may or may not come of it.

So, all in all, I've been in full retreat for weeks. The awesome thing is that we have managed to make arrangements to have the animals taken care of next week and are meeting my parents at a house in Nags Head for 7 days at the ocean. And the thought of that week of relaxation is about the only thing keeping me going right now. (Burglars beware - we have two very protective dogs, one of whom will chew your face off if you try to get in, an alarm system, and neighbors all around us who will be home and watching the house. I wouldn't try it. Plus, we're taking all of the cool stuff with us.)

Anyway, stitching has been my outlet for all of my angst in the last few weeks. If you want to see what I've been up to, just hop on over to my stitching blog. It's up there on the top right hand side. If you like sewing, you will really enjoy my new blog.

I don't know at this point what is going to happen with Life on the Domestic Front. I wonder if it may have run its course and served its purpose since I started it almost two years ago. I needed to get a lot of things out there and I have done that. Maybe now it's time to turn inward and be more introspective. And I know my mom would really appreciate it if I stopped oversharing on the internet. (Hi Mom!)

So, I'm off to the doctor in a bit and will hope for nothing but good news there. Please wish me luck!


  

4 comments:

  1. Oh girl I feel you! I too have received my share of "hate" response, but not from people I actually interact with in my real life. It hurts. It stings. It makes me want to throw my computer across the room and scream, "Suck it!" to the online world at large. What I have learned is twofold. 1) I will always piss someone off if I state any sort of opinion, for here is no shortage of conflicting ideas out there. But there is no way I am gonna write without a purpose. Getting to the point where I could actually push "delete" and not give a rats woo-ha took a lot of heartache. 2) Life is hard, and life sick is harder. I spent the last few months so unhappy and struggling to find a positive word to say. Fortunately it will end. The storms will pass and your joy will return. You have some stuff to work through. I find those opportunities come in waves, as in all at once. LOL Keep your chin up, you will get there.

    Bless ya,
    Leah

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, I realise you feel completely overwhelmed right now so my best advice is to just try and take a deep breath and focus on the things that you can make a difference with rather than worrying over things that you have no control over.

    Also, I know you are proud of your degree, which you should be (and I am of mine) but a further studying isn't right for everyone and it doesn't give you as much of a headstart when getting a job (as everyone I know with a degree is not working in anything related to their degree, or at all) as it used to as employers are much more likely to employ someone with experience and transferable skills. And it's always possible for your son to study later in life if he changes his mind.

    My thoughts are with you and hope things start getting better for you x

    ReplyDelete
  3. I totally understand the fear after getting a nasty response to something you've written. After four years of blogging, my skin is STILL paper thin, and I have the same thing happen.

    I hope that you have a wonderful vacation and you can take a break from all that you've got going on. I'm so sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why do people have to leave negative comments on blogs? I'm lucky that I haven't received one yet, but I would probably react the same way as you have. Life is challenging for you at the moment unfortunately. I hope the holiday recharges you and gives you the break that you need. I'm not blogging much at the moment as other stuff is overwhelming me, but I'm trying not to feel guilty about it. My son only started university at the age of 23. Before that, he wasn't ready. My daughter failed her first term at TAFE last year and is still trying to work out what she wants to do with her life, so I know how you feel. Go away, have a great holiday and leave all that "stuff" behind. Have a great time :)

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to tag back to your blog in the body of your message. Comments are my favorite!