Sunday, May 20, 2012

Did You Ever Have One of Those Decades?

You know how people will say they are just having one of those days? Or weeks? Or months? Or even years?

I think I'm having one of those decades.

On the one hand, there are some really neat things happening in my life. I joined the Embroidery Guild. I've met some new people and think some are potential good friend material. Joey got to sit in on his very first IEP meeting and that was totally cool. I'm going to the beach and will spend a whole week with my parents next month. And then Justin and I are going to Gettysburg in August.

On the other hand...

Do things ever all of a sudden just crush your spirit to the point where you wonder what the hell hit you? Last year, I kept saying I couldn't wait for the year to be over because it was the worst year of my life. And really, it was a bad year. We lost Justin's dad. My mom was going through horrible treatment for metastatic cancer. My best friend's breast cancer had come back. So I figured that 2012 had to be better, right?

Fast forward to 2012 and holy cow, can we rewind the clock or something?

Malea's cancer is now stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and is in her lungs, pleura, and her neck. She is undergoing extreme chemo again and is having horrific pain. I don't know what to do to help her, but the best thing I can do is be her friend and just be here for her.

And, as I try as hard as I can to handle how bad things are for the woman who is more like my sister than my best friend, I am also having some health problems of my own. Some vague and unrelated symptoms have come together to a point that I am starting to think something might be really wrong - like possibly needing surgery wrong. Again.

Since moving to Winchester, I've had two major surgeries. Gall bladder in 2007 and hysterectomy in 2010. I think the hysterectomy has caused more problems than it solved and that is what is worrying me now. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see what the hell they think might be going on.

Right now, I am terribly frustrated with myself. I'm angry that my body is breaking down on me again when my best friend needs me so much.

And between feeling like crap and worrying about her, I just can't seem to get myself together.

I spend more time in my pajamas than in clothes. And speaking of clothes, I keep having to go buy bigger ones, which is also depressing the crap out of me. I'm finally into the old lady section of the store, looking for pants with elastic waistbands. What the hell? In my mind, I'm still 16 and weigh 105 pounds and am too skinny. In reality, my pants size is in double digits.

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.

I can't get off the couch. Except to move to the recliner.

I'm not getting the sewing done that I would like to get done. I'm not reading the massive amounts of books I usually read. I am trying more than usual not to go out the door. Last week, I had something scheduled every single day and it freaked me out.

I'm not writing nearly as much as I used to. And I miss it. I've lost my rhythm and can't seem to get it back.

Yesterday, I got caught up watching a movie and didn't even shower until noon. I used to shower when I got up first thing in the morning because I didn't feel like the day had really started until I had a shower.

I know, this sounds like major depression. Except I don't think it is. I don't feel sad so much as I feel frustrated and angry. I want to feel better. I want Malea's cancer to go away. I want the three stress free days at a spa that we had planned.

I wish I had something pithy and interesting to say to end this post, but I'm just too tired to try to come up with something that smacks of wisdom.

All I know is that I wouldn't want to be 16 again. I like being in my 40's. Except that bad things are starting to happen all around me and I'm not sure I'm mature enough to handle it all.

So, I guess the way I will end this post is to say that things will get better, hopefully. And to stay tuned for a giveaway.  (I know, right? You weren't expecting that!)

If you would like to help my friend with her medical costs, please go to Save Malea. She is back with her regular insurance, but she still has costs at the center every week. Every penny helps. A huge thanks from me if you are able to help or if you have helped in the past.

  

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could say that I understand what you're going through but I don't think I can. I'm going through a lot in my life and it sometimes feels like it's just a giant pit that's going to swallow me up. The only way I'm managing to cope is by taking each day at a time, not allowing myself to worry about the future, just to focus on what I can do right now.

    Hope things get better for you soon x

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