Monday, March 5, 2012

Dear Really Annoying Loan Guy

I made the unforgivable mistake of thinking that the new home loan refinancing offer letter we got in the mail might actually net us some savings on our mortgage. And calling them.

Oh, the horror.

I would really like to write an email to the loan guy who will. not. leave. me. alone. but Justin says to just ignore him. But if I did write the letter (to his supervisor), it would go something like this:

Dear Person in Charge of Mike:

I called your 800 number last week because I got a letter in the mail from your company saying we would qualify for significant savings on our mortgage when the HARP program goes into effect. Now I'm wishing that I had chewed off my foot instead.

Please consider doing some retraining of your loan officers (or anxious salespeople answering the phones) and including the following instructions on how to deal with potential new clients.

1. Listen. Seriously, this Mike guy? He wouldn't shut up. And it was obvious that he was reading from a script. And I think he also was manic. Have you thought about handing out lithium with the morning coffee? You might want to consider it.

2. Do not use your potential client's first name repeatedly in the initial conversation. It's rude and disrespectful. Especially when you can't get it right. Your guy called me Cheryl, Shell, Sherry, and a bunch of other mangled versions of my first name ever other sentence. If I'm not a client yet, I should be Mrs. Newton. Also? My name is Chelle and it's pronounced "Shelly." If you don't listen (see number 1 above) and get the pronunciation right, I can promise you that you're going to offend the person you're talking to.

3. Do not call your potential client back the second you get into the office. Especially after she tells you that she is on disability. She will not appreciate being awakened early to discuss potential mortgage modification with you.

4. Do not continue to call, email, stop by the potential client's home for cookies (okay, I made the last one up) every 15 minutes to try to close the deal. They are not going to feel like they are top priority and that you are really working with them. They are going to feel harassed. In fact, I'm considering a restraining order against Mike and your company.

5. Do not call or email the client (or stop by for cookies) after she has told you that she will call or email you when she is damned good and ready. She will not appreciate it and will, again, be considering a restraining order.

6. Consider slowing down and memorizing your script. No one appreciates hearing the pages rustling and having their first name inserted into the blanks at the beginning of every paragraph. Know. Your. Shit. If you sound over eager, that's probably a turn off. If you have no idea what you do and how your company does it? Also a huge turn off.

7. Do not make shit up just to appease the potential client. Her husband is smarter than you and will immediately shoot your theories on interest rates, credit scores, and how mortgages work. And he will be annoyed that you are annoying his wife and tell her to ignore you.

8. Do not expect the potential client to whip out a credit card and give you a $500 deposit on the first call. It ain't gonna happen. She doesn't even know you and you're asking her to add to her credit card debt. And by the way, just because her husband works from home? That doesn't mean he's standing right next to her waiting anxiously for the deal you have to offer. He's working (hence the term "working from home"). If she says she has to wait to talk to him about all of the crap you've just slung at her, give her a chance to do that. If you email her or call her again within the next ten minutes, you've lost the sale. Guaranteed.

9. Finally, do not, under any circumstances, refer to her husband by his first name. This is not a pair of shoes. This is a fucking mortgage and you don't know these people. Be respectful or you will lose the sale. No, Mr. Newton was not  available to pull out his credit card just because he was working from home. He was going through audits and the fact that you didn't respect that? Lost you the sale.

In short, please teach your people to slow down, be respectful, not ask for money when the person is asking you to reduce their monthly mortgage payment on the first phone call, ask if it will be Visa or Master Card, talk so fast that the person can't understand you, hound them until you make them want to change their email address and phone number, wake them up the minute you walk in your office door in the morning, or tell them that they're wrong.

None of these things will get you a new client.

And I forgot to add to my list that it is totally uncool to tell me how much "all of my clients love that I'm so available and here's my personal cell phone that my mother calls me on."

Honestly? I don't want your cell phone number. I'm shopping mortgages and I already have a perfectly good husband. Now tell your guy not to call me again or I will be going down to the courthouse to file for that restraining order.


Mrs. Newton


I got home at 3:30 yesterday from taking Jamie to the dentist and getting my own teeth cleaned. There was a message on the voice mail and and email from this idiot asking if we weren't ready to move forward with the refinancing. I promptly wrote him an email telling him he obviously didn't hear me on Saturday when I told him that we had decided to pay off some more debt before refinancing and pointing him to my blog to use as a learning tool. I can only hope he read it and will take some of my advice. Because really, no one should have this kind of thing foisted upon them.

P.S. I sent him a P.S. email after the link up to tell him that all email from him was now marked as spam and I have caller ID, so if I was him, I wouldn't call and try to badger me into changing my mind. So far, no calls or emails so I think I finally got through to him that I was tired of his relentless pursuit of our mortgage. Sheesh. Now if I can just get the tv law firm I called about the SSRI use during pregnancy to stop calling.


  1. Wow! I am tired out just reading your letter to Mike's supervisor. Very well put!

  2. Let's hope Mike learned something yesterday. *snicker* Don't piss me off, Mike!


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