Saturday, October 1, 2011

My Fat Hurts!!!!

It's pretty simple. My fat hurts.

When I went in for surgery in April 2010, I had no idea that one of the side effects of that surgery was going to be that my metabolism was going to take a permanent vacation. Nor did I realize that I was going to be compounding my pain factor by adding fat around my middle that actually hurts. I didn't even know it was possible for fat to hurt, but my doctor tells me it is. He's the expert. I'm just the one sitting here with painful fat.

I've been whining about not being able to find pants that fit me for about two years now. I thought having the surgery would solve that problem. Not. In fact, it got worse. I didn't think that was possible, but it was. I've gone from a size 8 short to, well, I'm not going to say, but let's just imagine putting 20 extra pounds on a petite frame and you can go from there...the 8's went out the window about a year ago, right after the surgery. I just gave up on them. (Can you give up on a size? Apparently.)

I've been shopping for the perfect pair of pants for a long time. I see women of all different shapes and sizes when I've been brave enough to go out and I have to restrain myself from running up to them and asking them where they shop. Or if they are comfortable. Women wear jeans all the time and not all of them are skinny. So where the hell are they buying these jeans that don't seem to make the fat hurt?

I now have this uncomfortable layer over top of my post-three children abdomen. It's like I'm a bear storing up for winter, which is kind of scary, because most people gain weight over the holidays. I've already beat the Christmas rush this year.

But back to the fact that the fat hurts. I am typing this on my laptop in the recliner. There is a heating pad on my abdomen turned up to the third highest setting and I have gone from leggings (which incidentally are supposed to be comfortable) to one of my comfy pairs of sweat pants because I couldn't stand the elastic around my waist. I suspect that it's not actually the fat that hurts, but rather a combination of my brain's automatic response to believing I'm still 16 years old and sucking in my gut and the fact that the muscles I used to use for sucking in my gut are completely atrophied by years of lying on the couch, eating chocolate raspberry milano cookies and watching mindless sitcoms.

I spent years exercising my hands by stitching and I have a lot to show for it in terms of beautiful, framed projects that show my mastery of cross stitch over the past 30+ years. Unfortunately, I never exercised anything else and, while it's hard to exercise with fibromyalgia, I know (intellectually) that I would most likely feel better physically if I ever walked farther than my mailbox. I also know (intellectually) that if I don't start walking further than my mailbox, it's going to get harder and harder to get to anything approaching active. If it's not too late completely. I suspect you can get to a point where it's impossible to turn back.

I hope that when I finally get the true motivation to get off my chronically pained butt eventually, I will still be able to physically walk down the block. And I hope my fat will come along for the ride and burn itself off.

I think I'll start by walking into the kitchen and looking for the chocolate raspberry milanos. And I think Justin bought me some butter pecan Haagen Daaz ice cream that I never finished.




  1. I sympathize with your pain. I also have fibromyalgia. Fortunately my fat does not hurt, as I have a lot of that. I "gave up" on a lot of sizes. To me, I have bigger (ha ha) battles to fight than my weight, like staying alive with a brain that wants me dead. I struggle with suicide ideation. I hope you feel better.
    Also I hope this doesn't sound rude, but there are worse things in the world than being fat. Yes, it would be worse if it hurt.
    I don't usually publish this link because I've been trolled, but you might find my take interesting.

  2. Oh wow, not rude at all! I so didn't mean to be complaining that I feel fat. I could totally handle the extra weight. It's the additional pain that came after the surgery that is so hard to deal with and the inability to find any clothing that doesn't exacerbate the pain.

    I have also suffered from suicidal ideation and even had a suicide attempt at 19. If you've read any of my archives (as if you'd have the time!), you will see that I am also bipolar in addition to having fibro.

    Today happened to be a bad pain day on top of several bad pain days and those are always the days I end up bitching. Also, I really liked the fat cat I found on google images. I didn't think there was one fatter than our 20 pounder, but there he was.

    Thanks for the blog link. I will check it out!


  3. Hi, I also have chronic pain (neuropathy) post C section. For me, I've found the "Be still" model of pant from works wonders on high pain days - flat seams, no elastic to dig in anywhere and a higher rise that doesn't push on the lower abdomen. They are pricy but have been life changing for me and they come in black so I find I can get away with wearing them without feeling like I'm wearing sweatpants or something obviously casual. I've also found the "dreamer" style of jeans from old navy are a comfortable style for me and very reasonably priced (and often go on sale). I hope this helps you - it took me a LOT of trial and error and I know how it can make pain seem even worse when you can do simple things like wear "normal" clothes. Best of luck.

  4. Hi Anon,

    Thank you so much! I'm an Old Navy fanatic and haven't found any of their jeans to be comfortable, but I will certainly try on the dreamers the next time I am in there. I will also check out that web site.

    It really is so hard to find something that doesn't hurt my abdomen, so I greatly appreciate the hint. I will check it out.



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