Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A Medical Thing

NOT my real doctor

Conversation with my doctor today:

Doctor: Oh dear. I see you have a huge list for me today.

Me: Yeah, but most of it is things I want you to test me for.

Doctor: Like what:

Me: Well, for starters, how about doing an ANA test? I mean, I don't think it's lupus, but it couldn't hurt.

Doctor: ANA is not always positive in lupus and you don't have lupus symptoms.

Me: Well, what about lyme disease?

Doctor: That's useful. We can test for that.

Me: And thyroid? I think I was supposed to have my thyroid rechecked.

Doctor: Yes, you had it checked in January 2010. We should check it again.

Me: And I think I'm due for liver enzymes.

Doctor: Yep. Is there anything useful I can do today?

Me: Well, I was wondering. Can this be chronic fatigue syndrome in addition to fibromyalgia, 'cause I'm having a hard time holding my head up.

Doctor: Definitely. The two often go together. I tend to think they are variations of the same disease.

Me: Well, what about this post-viral syndrome theory I've been hearing?

Doctor: The studies aren't supporting it.

Me: *dramatic sigh* Fine. I need you to look at these things in my mouth and this thing on my leg.

Doctor: Okay...show me your mouth.

Me: Pulling down my lower lip...see all of these things????

Doctor: Oh, those are mucous seals.

Me: I have baby seals in my mouth? Wonderful.

Doctor: No. They're basically blocked saliva glands. (I think that's what he said. I was too busy worrying about my facebook status update. Nobody likes it when you hurt baby seals.)

Me: Okay, I can pull my pants down, right? I mean, you're my doctor and all...


Me: See, I have this thing on my leg...

Doctor: That's a dermofibroma. Nothing to worry about. (I'm so googling that one.)

Me: Thank God. Now, can you tell me why my abdomen is swollen, I've gained 20 pounds even though I'm eating healthier, and I can't wear pants?

Doctor: I think it's probably the Lyrica. I had another guy with the same problem and testicular swelling.

Me: Well, thank God I don't have that problem.

Doctor: Right. We're balancing side effects with benefits of the medication. So what alternative medicine have you tried again? Did you try acupuncture?

Me: Yes. It didn't go well. Massage is good but too expensive. And I was afraid the chiropractor was going to break something. My bones were cracking and she was hurting me.

Doctor: Well, that's about all I can suggest.

Me: You know, living this way sucks. I spend most of my time in the recliner. And I can't exercise without feeling like 30 buffalo mowed me down.

Doctor: I only recommend graded exercise for your illness and none if it makes you feel worse. And yes, living this way sucks. You're complicated. Get the blood test, fill your prescriptions, and I wish there was more I could do for you.

Me: You know, my therapist thinks I should be on supplements.

Doctor: Well, I don't like to knock anything that doesn't hurt and might help, but I tend to think supplements are just a way for big companies to make money.

Me: When do you want me to come in and complain again.

Doctor: Three months.

Me: Thanks for the mammogram order.

At least he listens to all of my weird theories. That's what makes a good doctor. Also, he tells me these strange things aren't anything to worry about. I love that in a medical dude.


  1. I'm on Lyrica and i feel so bloated and i am retaining so much fluid. sigh.


  2. I actually ordered a pair of maternity pants from the Gap. It's so uncomfortable, I feel like I could stick a pin in there and just pop like a balloon. Ugh.


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