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I will admit it. I'm not in a very good place right now.
Although I have a new and exciting opportunity to write for a brand new website that I am very psyched about, the rest of my life is pretty much in the crapper at the moment.
And, when my life goes in the crapper, I have a hard time just getting myself out of bed and showered and down the stairs in the morning. It's all I can do to read my Facebook feed (which was just made a lot harder by the Facebook drones, thank you so much for fixing something that wasn't broken) and catch up on my words with friends games.
Yesterday morning, I laid in bed when I woke up and cried for 20 minutes. Then I called my mother and told her I didn't think it was a good idea for me to come out to see her until I was in a better place, because she needs all the positivity she can get right now. And then I cried about the fact that I couldn't get myself into a place where I could go see her and be strong and positive. And then I called back and asked if I could come out anyway.
This week's depression is brought to you by my completely snapping on Monday and having a total meltdown. Unfortunately, some people I really care about got caught in the crossfire.
I've heard it said that the underlying cause of depression is anger. And boy, am I angry. Angry at something over which I have absolutely no control. Angry over something that shouldn't even be an issue anymore, but yet it's here and it's not going away.
I'm angry at cancer. That word should have big, black, squiggly lines and be surrounded by thunder and lightning and the devil. It's an evil word. And it's attacking the people I love, which is making me So. Angry.
I never thought in my entire 47 years that I would ever be completely surrounded by cancer. So much that it's like it's eating into the soul of my very being. I need a 12 step program to remove myself from this situation, because it's becoming toxic to my ability to cope. I am seeing the ravages of cancer up close and personal and I just can't keep on going like nothing is happening in my life. Because people I love are fighting with everything they have to beat this devil. And I am convinced that the people that mean the most to me who are fighting so hard are going to win because this devil cannot possibly take another person away from me. God couldn't be that cruel...assuming there is a God, which I'm not sure I believe based on what I am watching everyone I love go through.
So, I'm writing about it today. I'm exposing how hard it is for me to deal with this thing that has forced its way into my life and is hurting people I love so much.
It must be horrific to be the person who has cancer and I can't imagine how hard it is to fight when you feel like absolute shit. The treatment is almost worse than the disease. They have to almost kill you to save your life. I know they are doing research on how to fix this, but they aren't doing it fast enough and people are suffering. People I love. People who I need in my life. People who I can't stand to watch suffer anymore.
And as hard as it is to have cancer, it's hard also to watch someone you love have cancer. I was talking to my best friend yesterday and telling her how angry I was about her cancer and my mom's and Juliana's and Peter's and Kathy's and she said she didn't understand the anger that people who loved her had when she was going through treatment, but she kind of understands it now. I guess when you are focusing so much on recovery, you can't focus on being angry because it's such a negative emotion. And it's been proven that a positive attitude can be the difference between living and dying. So, I'm trying. But...
After Juliana passed away from leukemia last year, I was angry. I was horribly sad, but I was also horribly angry. And then Malea's cancer came back, only this time it was ovarian cancer. And then the breast cancer came back. And then the ultimate insult. Cancer found my mother. The person who I have an unerasable bond with. The person who I was once physically connected to. The person who means something to me that I can never, ever put into words. The only person in the world who holds this one incredibly important connection to me is now fighting this cancer and I want to grab hold of this thing and rip it out of her and stab it until it's lying on the floor, bleeding out, and no one is calling 911 for it.
It's enough, God, okay? It's not even remotely funny and if you are doing it for your amusement, you have a sick sense of humor.
I know my mom will beat this cancer. Because I know that this cancer does not understand who it is dealing with. My mom will kick cancer's ass for me without my having to do a thing. But in the meantime, it's going to be a long, hard fight and it's wearing her out. So, God, if you're up there and you're listening, it's enough, okay?
I will continue to be positive. I will continue to be strong. I will continue to be supportive. And I will hopefully be the person who helps the people I love kick cancer's ass. Because cancer can't win.
We need to Stand Up 2 Cancer. Really stand up and find a cure. I don't care what these researchers need to do. Just do it already.