Monday, August 22, 2011

I Think I Have An Anger Problem

Courtesy Google Images
I did a google images search for "anger" and it's amazing the pictures that came up. I have to say that this one really captures how I felt during that phone conversation I had that pissed me off so much about my kid not being exposed to "proper" religion.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about it and I realized that I am not just angry at this person for lying to me about what Joey said to her. There has been a pattern in this relationship of non-truth telling for the sake of getting me to do or believe something that I do not want to do or believe. And frankly, it's pissing me off.

Justin told me yesterday that I should wait until the kids go back to school on Wednesday to talk to this person so I could think about what I want to say. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's not just the pushing of her religion that is bothering me. I am angry about the entire relationship. I want to think this is a good person. I believe her intentions are good. And I also believe that she has lied in the context of really wanting to be my friend. But the fact remains that there have been multiple lies and I am extremely conflicted about how I feel.

I started a post this morning about the whole religion thing, just to see where I would go with it and by the time I got about 2/3 done with it, I realized that I could not actually post it. But it really felt good to get all those feelings about the lying out onto the page/screen/whatever. The problem is that I have trouble confronting people and I am always the first to back down in the face of an argument. I will apologize when nothing is my fault just because I want people to like me and I can't stand it when anyone is angry at me. It seems like I am always saying I'm sorry, just to avoid conflict. This is not a good way to go through life.

Justin told me this morning that he knew that I was angry, but not about what and that's why he suggested I wait to talk to her. I told him that since I have discovered I am so angry about so many different things, maybe the answer is to not confront her at all, but just to distance myself. The kids will be going back to school on Wednesday, different schools, and Joey is so much older than her children. Maybe I can encourage less and less contact with her and her children as the school year goes on, without having to confront her with angry words and accusations. I have trouble distinguishing between an honest, let's clear the air and get things right conversation and an argument. Since I have so much trouble saying what I mean and sticking to my guns in the face of a barrage of reasons why I'm wrong, maybe it's better to just not have the conversation. But that's kind of running away from what needs to be done. I'm supposed to be the adult here and I'm supposed to protect my child. Can I continue to run away from this issue when it keeps coming up over and over again?

How do you deal with conflict? What do you do when someone lies to you and you catch them in the lie? I would love to hear any suggestions on how to deal with this and how to feel comfortable enough in my convictions to actually have an uncomfortable conversation and stick to my guns. Suggestions are welcome.

Chelle

 

6 comments:

  1. Chelle, I have similar problems with anger and I'm a practiced conflict avoider. I'll do anything to avoid those difficult conversations. Usually, I just distance myself--sometimes completely.

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  2. I'm leaning heavily towards distancing myself and my son. It's much easier when school is in session and the world, in general, can be ignored because it isn't pounding at your front door, wanting to use your new hot tub as a swimming pool and missing the toilet bowl in favor of the hardwood floor.

    Obviously, I have an anger problem. I think I need to GET a distance problem and fast. I'm thinking like an all out move out of my house and away from this person kind of distance, but unfortunately the real estate market is being really sucky about coming back.

    I'm pretty sure there won't be a conversation at all. I'm kind of with you on this one.

    Hugs,
    Chelle

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  3. colleen from michiganAugust 22, 2011 at 6:55 PM

    Hi Chelle, I found your blog through 365 less things (which I love). Reading your blog from the other day I don't think this women is your friend or a very good christian for that matter. she constantly goes against your wishes and does and says things behind your back. That does not sound like a very good friend to me. After my mom was killed in a car accident in 2006 alot of friends from my past started popping up again. I soon realized why we didn't stay friends and now just focus on the few friends who are in my life for positive reasons. It sounds like your husband is one of those people. I think distancing yourself from her will make you feel better about yourself. i would rather have 1 or 2 really great people for friends than 10 people who hurt my feelings.

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  4. Welcome Colleen. I love 365 Less Things and read it every day!

    This woman believes she is the ultimate Christian and that if only everyone believed what she believes and practices what she practices, they would be happy. And she is very insistent that hers is the only way. I find it very off putting.

    I am so sorry to hear about your mom. That must have been just awful for you. I agree that you should only focus on people who are helpful and not the ones who are superficial or have their own agendas.

    Really, I am finding that the best thing is to depend on my family because my family is truly what is important to me. I hate to just walk away from someone without telling her why, since that always really bothers me when it happens to me, but I simply can't face another conversation where I end up backing down and waffling on my convictions because she is trying so hard to convince me.

    I am grateful that school will be starting and hopefully this will no longer be an issue for awhile after Wednesday.

    Hugs,
    Chelle

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  5. I am going to go down a different road here only because over the years I have learned it is better to get rid of the anger and what is causing it. I would tell her exactly how you are feeling and if she is truly your friend she will respect your wishes and if not, well at least you were honest and said what you had to.
    This doesn't mean it is an easy thing to do, and yes feelings can be hurt and friendships can end and its all sad, but to carry around anger is not good for anyone or those that are around them!
    I wish you courage and strength because the situtaion you are in is difficult to say the least!!

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  6. I am loving all of these comments - they are SO helpful!

    I agree that a confrontation would be a good thing and that I probably should tell her everything that I am feeling. The problem with it is that I have had the conversation several times before and I have never had the strength to stick to what I need to say because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

    It seems strange to worry about hurting her by discussing this and instead hurt her by walking away from the relationship without telling her. Walking away is very passive-aggressive and I do not like to be passive-aggressive. It's not a likable behavior in anyone. I agree with you that I should talk to her. I just don't know if I CAN.

    Today is the last day of summer and tomorrow school begins for all of the kids involved. I think this won't be an issue all on its own once Joey has homework to do and the weather starts turning too cold to play outside. Never thought I'd say it, but I will be glad when winter is here again.

    Hugs,
    Chelle

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