Monday, July 18, 2011

NOBODY Gets Metal Chickens

I went to CVS yesterday to pick up a gift bag and a chicken card for my mom, because I wanted to give her back her feathered chicken.  (There's a reason I was giving her something she gave me in a gift bag.  Don't judge me.)

As I wandered up and down the four aisles of cards, I did not find one freaking card with a chicken on the front.  Oh yeah - puppies, kittens, even a really stupid looking cartoon owl on the front of a "You Graduated Preschool! (so now we're going to kick your unprepared little ass the hell into elementary school) card, but No. Chicken. Card.  What the fuck?

As I wandered back and forth, losing nineteen hours about 20 minutes of time trying to find a damned chicken card - "When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best," we promise not to have the card you are looking for - I noticed a woman who had been standing in front of the same stack of cards for quite awhile and I plucked up my agoraphobic nerves to say, "You haven't seen any cards with chickens on them, have you?"

Woman (looking at me like I'd lost my fucking mind):  Um, no.  I think there's one with some birds on it.

Me:  It has to be a chicken.

Woman: 

Me (sighing loudly):  Nobody gets the chicken thing.

I ended up settling on one of those cards where they prepay the postage for you with butterflies, since I'm all about butterflies and apparently big metal chickens are so June 2011 (thank you very much, Jenny Lawson) and writing my own little note inside the card explaining exactly why I was regifting my mother with her own chicken.  Then I went home and hyperventilated into a paper bag from being out in the real world for 45 minutes.


After I was breathing normally again inside my safe house with the doors locked and the shades pulled so the big metal chickens couldn't find me, I went online and went back to Jenny's website for the link, because my mom simply must have a metal chicken.  Don't ask.  It's her story and I'm not telling it yet, but believe me, my mom needs a metal chicken right now.

Thanks to Jenny's miraculous ability to turn the absurd into something marketable, a skill I will never possess in my lifetime, I found these:

Metal Chicken Photosculptures

I would totally have stolen a picture of the product, but zazzle wouldn't let me.  And I know that Jenny won't mind the free publicity and the fact that I am attempting to add to her fame, so I am telling you that everyone in your life should have one of these metal chicken photosculptures.  Unfortunately, you can't add text, but you can put a post it note that says "Knock-knock, Motherfucker" on the bottom if you so desire.  It's the all purpose gift.  She's also selling notecards and t-shirts that will probably get you fired if you buy the one with that particular caption, but life is no fun if we don't make it fun and who wants to work for someone with no sense of humor?

I was going to order one for Jamie for Christmas, since he simply (and quite deliberately, in my opinion) refuses to understand the unique and important nature of the metal chicken.  I may still force one on him buy one for him at some point when Christmas shopping begins in earnest just because he's being such a booger by insisting the metal chicken isn't funny.  It so is funny!  How can you not laugh at this, even without the backstory:

Knock-knock, Motherfucker
(Jenny Lawson, www.thebloggess.com)

Come on!   You don't even need context here.

I bought $59 worth of metal chicken sculptures and a keychain.  It was totally worth it.

Chelle

 

2 comments:

  1. That picture makes me laugh every. single. time. If I was brave enough, instead of getting Xmas cards with my little girl on them, I would make "Knock-knock, Motherfucker" chicken xmas cards and send them out to any and everybody. People need more metal chickens in their life. :D

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  2. Elle, I bought $59 worth of photosculptures and now have one on my desk and one on my key ring. I gave one to my mother because she thought it was funny too.

    I LOVE Jenny's blog and anticipate her posts. I hope she doesn't mind my linking to her. It's not like I have a ton of readers and she's so famous she has her own wikipedia entry.

    I think everyone should have a metal chicken and I think the caption should always be "Knock, knock Motherfucker." Why do people get so offended????

    Hugs,
    Chelle

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