As I wandered up and down the four aisles of cards, I did not find one freaking card with a chicken on the front. Oh yeah - puppies, kittens, even a really stupid looking cartoon owl on the front of a "You Graduated Preschool! (so now we're going to kick your unprepared little ass the hell into elementary school) card, but No. Chicken. Card. What the fuck?
As I wandered back and forth, losing
Woman (looking at me like I'd lost my fucking mind): Um, no. I think there's one with some birds on it.
Me: It has to be a chicken.
Me (sighing loudly): Nobody gets the chicken thing.
I ended up settling on one of those cards where they prepay the postage for you with butterflies, since I'm all about butterflies and apparently big metal chickens are so June 2011 (thank you very much, Jenny Lawson) and writing my own little note inside the card explaining exactly why I was regifting my mother with her own chicken. Then I went home and hyperventilated into a paper bag from being out in the real world for 45 minutes.
After I was breathing normally again inside my safe house with the doors locked and the shades pulled so the big metal chickens couldn't find me, I went online and went back to Jenny's website for the link, because my mom simply must have a metal chicken. Don't ask. It's her story and I'm not telling it yet, but believe me, my mom needs a metal chicken right now.
Thanks to Jenny's miraculous ability to turn the absurd into something marketable, a skill I will never possess in my lifetime, I found these:
Metal Chicken Photosculptures
I would totally have stolen a picture of the product, but zazzle wouldn't let me. And I know that Jenny won't mind the free publicity and the fact that I am attempting to add to her fame, so I am telling you that everyone in your life should have one of these metal chicken photosculptures. Unfortunately, you can't add text, but you can put a post it note that says "Knock-knock, Motherfucker" on the bottom if you so desire. It's the all purpose gift. She's also selling notecards and t-shirts that will probably get you fired if you buy the one with that particular caption, but life is no fun if we don't make it fun and who wants to work for someone with no sense of humor?
I was going to order one for Jamie for Christmas, since he simply (and quite deliberately, in my opinion) refuses to understand the unique and important nature of the metal chicken. I may still
Come on! You don't even need context here.
I bought $59 worth of metal chicken sculptures and a keychain. It was totally worth it.