Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Back to Planet Earth

So I've been on some kind of totally awesome, inspired writing-blogging thing and the sarcasm and wittiness have somewhat abounded over the last few days...I think.  Well, I thought I was funny.

But, having reached a new low in insomnia last night and getting only five hours of sleep, I thought today might be a good day to share just how bad things seem to be going at the moment.  I'm feeling just a bit morose and overwhelmed and I think you would be too.

So, in no particular order:

My dear, wonderful, sweet father in law passed away and a week ago today was the visitation.  It also happened to be my mother in law's birthday.  Her kids asked her if she really wanted to have the visitation on her birthday and she said she did because they had always done things together on their birthdays and this would be the last chance they would have to do that.  Just reading that sentence makes me cry.  I'm going to miss him something awful and I can't stand the pain I am watching my husband go through right now.

When we got back to my in-laws' house after the funeral, I called my mom on her cell phone just to check and make sure everything had gone okay with her routine follow-up CT scan of her lungs that morning.  Well, it didn't.  The cancer they thought that they had cut out of her when they amputated her leg appears to have spread to her lungs and there are two spots there that weren't there in April.  You can imagine exactly how our Wednesday was going last week.  Well, really, you can't.  Because that's got to be the worst day of our lives, at least in recent history.  God, if you're up there, you can really stop with all this cancer shit now.  I don't know what the point is and sometimes I think that the point is that it's absolutely pointless.  And you have a really sick sense of humor.  Amputating her leg wasn't. fucking. enough?

My best friend's breast cancer came back awhile ago and they put her through the hell of radiation.  Then it turned out that the plastic surgeon had screwed up and she ended up having to have half of her reconstruction removed.  Another friend's breast cancer is also back and she has an absolute nightmare of a procedure to look forward to next week.  Again, what the fuck is up with the cancer, God?  Whatever it is that you're trying to tell me, I get the message, but you're going to need to send a translator because I can't understand what it is you're trying to say.

I've been working really hard over the last few days to stay strong and positive and be the rock my husband needs me to be right now.  I'm not letting myself cry around my mom because really, we won't know anything for sure until after her biopsy, but since she's already put off her move to the south next month and is planning on chemo, I'm pretty sure she's pretty sure what that biopsy is going to say.   I'm here blithely writing about chickens and doggie anal glands in the hope that if I'm just snarky and sarcastic enough, God will appreciate my wit and give us a break already.  It's been a really. bad. year.

I was going along okay until I logged onto Facebook late last night and discovered that another woman, a journalist no less, apparently has the same idea for a website as the one for my book.  And she's already got it set up and is asking for people to submit their stories.  My husband very sweetly reminded me that there were lots of books written about Gettysburg too, so it's not like this changes anything.  It's just that for once in my life, I'd like to have one original idea.  Just once.

Today I will see my counselor and tell her that even though the Zoloft seems to be working for the depression and I feel just a little numb and better equipped to handle all this bullshit in my life, I don't understand why I should have to handle all this bullshit in my life.  My dad always told me life wasn't fair.  Well damn, he sure got that one right.  That might have been the wisest thing he ever told me.  I don't know if that's the one thing he wanted to teach me, but it sure stuck in my head all these years and has never seemed more true than today.

Sorry for the crash back to reality - payback is a bitch and I think Karma is telling me that making fun of the universe right now might be in bad taste.  But really, what the hell else am I going to do?

Life sucks right now and I am capturing that through the lens of the camera Justin got me for my birthday.  Which is awesome and I totally have to share the picture I got of our little groundhog in the backyard.  Maybe in my next post.


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