Wednesday, June 22, 2011

When the Going Gets Too Tough

Today, I feel heavy, as if I am swimming through a vast sea of mud.  It took me hours to be able to get out of bed and downstairs to the couch this morning, after a horrible night of interrupted sleep that began late.  I suspect Justin hardly slept at all.

I am holding down the fort at home, while Justin is with his family, seeing his father through major heart surgery.  I just got the news that his dad made it through the surgery and is back in the ICU.  I feel like I should feel lighter now, but I don't.  I'm exhausted, tired, and scared.  It's scary to face the fact that our parents are getting older.  It's scary that we have been through one health crisis after another in the last year or more, starting with my surgery in April of last year.  Justin has worn the suit he bought last summer to four funerals in less than a year.  That's just way too many times.

Although I am not superstitious, I took that suit to the cleaners yesterday.  Somehow I thought that by taking it to the cleaners and having it "ready," Justin won't have to use it this time.  There must be something to that superstition, as things are looking cautiously better.

I just spent five minutes rubbing the dog's ears.  Jackson is bewildered that his constant companion is not here.  I know how he feels.  Life just doesn't seem right with Justin gone and his father lying in a hospital bed.  Now I know how Justin must have felt when I was gone in February to be with my own mother while she went through her surgery.

I find myself overwhelmed by the little things right now.  My Facebook feed seems to be working strangely and selectively and I can't figure out where all the status updates are.  It feels out of control, kind of like our lives right now.  Deciding on what to have for dinner is agonizing.  The kids look to me when Justin is not here for our food choices and I don't know what to tell them.  Yesterday, I went to the store and got one of those chickens you can roast in the bag in the oven.  I somehow managed to put a pretty good dinner on the table last night.  Tonight, I have no idea and it's already 2:30.

Ben's car was supposed to be ready yesterday and I still haven't heard anything.  Nor have I called the dealership to find out.  Jamie missed cadets on Tuesday.  I simply forgot about it because Justin always takes him.

My stomach is in knots and every word comes with great difficulty.  I think we are reaching our limit on tragedy.  There has to be a point where you say to God, "I'm sorry, but I just can't handle anymore.  Please don't send me anything else to handle for awhile."

So, God, please don't send us any more tragedy this year.  We are running out of strength to withstand the constant barrage of bad news.  In return, I will try to get on with things and be of some use to my husband and children.  I know you don't do bargaining, but I would appreciate just a little break.  Not for me, but for Justin.



1 comment:

  1. Hi Chelle! Have faith, everything will work out for the best. Do a thing a day and you will see that better times will come around. I am sorry you had so much tragedy in your life, but there are good things to come. My best wishes.


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