Monday, June 20, 2011

The Path Less Traveled...Still Hurts

I didn't post much this weekend, which is not my normal style.  Simply put, it hurt too much.

Fibromyalgia pain struck with a vengeance on Friday afternoon and by Saturday morning, I was limping through the house muttering various obscenities every time my left foot hit the floor.  It literally felt as if the bones in my left leg were trying to exit through my heel.  I know that's not really possible, but that's what it felt like.

The sewing I've been trying to do to make ribbons and butterflies for fundraising caught up to me as my left hand cramped viciously and, the more I rubbed it to try to ease the cramp, the louder it yelled, "What the hell did you think was going to happen if you insisted on trying to hold that canvas and yank the yarn through???  You stupid woman!"

By Saturday night, I was ready to cry.  Justin and I have been searching in vain for something decent to watch on television and, since we have a "free" year of Starz to go with our increased cable bill, we thought we'd check out the series "Camelot."  Turns out to be a pretty good series, but really adults only.  Heed that warning.  We had to hit the off button when Joey came down for a snack.  Then Jamie and Ben decided to actually sit in the family room with us (trust me when I say this never happens) and we ended up back on Lord of the Rings.  They finally wandered off to their rooms and we finished watching the second episode.  By that time it was midnight and I thought I was ready for bed.  Until I laid down and realized my mattress had turned into a pile of rocks.

I launched myself back out of bed and came back downstairs, near tears from the pain and the fact that I had more than maxed out on my pain meds that day..  Here is an excerpt from my handwritten journal from that night:

F*!K! F&#K! F**K! So much PAIN!

Things that don't normally hurt are throbbing and I am MISERABLE.  Can't get online for support because of maxing out our internet usage with the kids' online game streaming.

The couch is more comfortable then the bed but not conducive to sleeping.  Was sleepy after the movie but the pain broke through immediately when I got into bed and I had to get back up.  Will pay tomorrow for the extra pain medication but just couldn't stand it anymore.

I'm flaring from anxiety, I'm sure.

Just a few tidbits - the whole rant was written by the flickering light of the television in the almost completely darkened family room as I desperately tried to get myself into a better place physically so I could just go to sleep and get a few hours divorced from the pain.

I think it's safe to say that events in my life are distressing me and the whole kids home for the whole summer thing, while great for not forcing me awake for a half hour at 6:30 every morning, has started to grate on my nerves.  We are a house full of five people.  All. The. Time.  Until the middle of August.  Wasn't there a whole movement for year round school somewhere?

I managed to drag myself out to lunch with Ben yesterday, since he had asked me and offered to pay for it.  Two things you never pass up from a 19 year old.  Having three teenagers can be like living with the cavemen, they grunt a lot and eat everything in the cave, making your grocery bill look like the national debt.

Luckily, the rain came through and the worst of the pain is receding a bit, although my left hand is still very upset with me.  I am sad to say that the canvas magnets are probably not going to happen.  Along with a lot of other things I know that people wish I could do.  It makes me sad when I have to say no and I feel guilty a lot.  I wish people could actually see the pain so they would understand that I'm not kidding when I say I just physically can't do something.

I went to hand Justin half a watermelon from the refrigerator last night and couldn't even stand the weight of that in my hands.  I don't know how much half a watermelon weighs, but that's pretty pathetic.

Sometimes it's hard to stay positive (you might be asking when was I ever positive in any way?), but I am trying.  I am trying to accept the things I can't change that upset me, because being upset just makes the pain worse.

Fibromyalgia, I hate you...your stupid name, the pain that comes with you, and the fact that no one can see you.  I hate invisible illnesses.  You make me mean and cranky, tearful and sad, but mostly you make me so angry.  I want my life back, but unless they come up with some magic cure, there is no end in sight to this life of mine just the way it is. suck.


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