Thursday, May 26, 2011

Let's Get American Idol Shallow

Okay, I'm just going to out and out say it.  I've been watching American Idol for nine years now.  And only nine years because I didn't even know it was on that first year.  I love a good singing competition and in this one, I got to vote!   Who doesn't like the chance to shape the way American pop culture is going?

After tonight's season finale, which in reality James should have won, but since he didn't make the final cut, Lauren should have won, I think I have simply lost my ability to care about this show anymore.  That makes me sad, but even more, I am totally disgusted.

Don't get me wrong.  Scotty is a nice kid and he's going to have a great career.  In Nashville.  Sure, Lauren is country all the way, but she has a really good chance of also having a cross over pop career, maybe, like, say Carrie Underwood?  You know, her very own American Idol?

What disgusted me about tonight's show came in various waves.  There was the fact that James sang better than the lead singer for Judas Priest.  The top of the 13 guys were never in harmony with one another, not even once in the whole season, let alone on finale night.  The girls were mildly better, but who chose the songs, for God's sake?

And I'm sorry, but is Jennifer Lopez a judge or a performer for the show?  How many times will I have to watch her dress up in something skimpy and try to seduce her husband or her dancing boy on stage.  I like Jennifer Lopez.  I do.  I loved her movies.  And I enjoy some of her music.  And I thought she was a much friendlier and more encouraging and more coherent female judge than any that has been on the show before.  But why, exactly, do I need to watch her shake her ass in front of the entire country on live television?  Most of the kids in the top ten weren't even old enough to have a beer legally.  Or even register for the draft.  Or vote.  Does she have to be a creepy sex symbol when she could just do a damned good job as a judge?

Do the Idol producers realize that there are children watching this show?  Impressionable children.  Children who should not be watching JLo shake her groove thing and dry hump her husband on stage.

And speaking of simulated television sex, what on earth was with Lady Gaga (or whatever her freaking normal name is) and that performance up on the rock they dragged in for her?  Absolutely disgusting.  If you ask me, she's trying to be as outrageous as she can because she's got deep self-esteem issues.  Why else would she paint her face as much and as weirdly as possible if not to cover up whatever flaw it is that she's trying so desperately to hide.  I think she scared James off the show.  I really do.  Could you see the terror on his face when she put her hands on his hips and tried to make him dance pelvis to pelvis?  Oh.  My God.  You never touch someone with Asperger's Syndrome if you don't know them unless you have their permission!  Did they leave that information out of her rules packet for mentoring?  It makes the person with AS majorly uncomfortable.  They also thought it would be smart to let her tell Scotty (17, by the way) to think about which girl he wanted to be singing to and make sure he was putting that right into that microphone.  Scotty looked like he just wanted to go to church and pray for her poor doomed soul after that mentoring session.  I think I saw him grabbing the cross he wears around his neck several times in that short little uncomfortable session.

And Tony Bennett and Haley.  Are they serious?  The guy is 85 and singing to this what, 24 year old girl like she's the love of his life and she's eating it up.  Come on, Grandpa!  Is no one else calling you for singing gigs anymore?  What I'm wondering is where all the real talent that is out there right now and why isn't it performing on the show.  Daughtry never showed up this year, as I recall (correct me if I'm wrong - it's late and I'm miffed).  What about the year Bon Jovi mentored?  Where has he been?  Or Martina McBride.  Or Taylor Swift.  Who on earth couldn't get behind Taylor Swift as a mentor for the contestants or a performer on the finale?  I mean, last year Mylie Cyrus, who is only moderately talented, did a pretty good job of mentoring those kids, even though she was younger than some of them.  Why not bring on the real talent again?  Surely AI has the money, wouldn't you think?

Tim McGraw and Carrie Underwood were the only two stars who were under the age of 50 and still have any real crowd pleasing skills that showed up tonight.  Well, in my opinion.  Maybe you like seeing men who should probably be in nursing homes getting facelifts until their eyelids meet in the back of their heads and can't physically stop smiling (literally because their mouths are botoxed open) get up there and pretend they remember what they are supposed to be doing.  Okay, I love Steven Tyler, but seriously.  He blew out his esophagus and just can't do what he used to do.  He's very talented, he did great on the piano on Dream On, but he obviously just can't sing it anymore and he's starting to look like something that got dragged to the show from the local wax museum.  Can't we remember him when he was young and popular?  Stick to the judging, Steven.  You're doing great at that.  The best part about the whole season were some of the expressions that came out of his mouth.

Geez, so many questions for such a lousy two hour finale that, contrary to its promises, did go over the 10:00 limit, probably to the dismay of all those people who DVR'ed it.  Just in case you missed it, Scotty won.  They could have done that in two minutes and been done with it.  Now it's just two hours of my life I'll never get back.

Speaking of which...after nine years of watching faithfully, enduring an incoherent and rambling Paula Abdul on drugs, Simon Cowell's stinging criticisms that made contestants cry, Ryan pretend to be a straight dude (come on, Ryan, come out of the closet.  It's fine!  We still love you!), and the lesser talented person win in every single finale for the last several years (probably since Carrie Underwood won), I have to say I'm done with watching this show.  Anyone remember Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox?  You know, last year?  I haven't paid a lot of attention, but I think I might have caught it if Lee DeWyze was hitting the big time.  The year before - Kris Allen and Adam Lambert.  Both one hit wonders?  Yeah, there was way more talent this year.  Too bad they have the voting rigged so that the prevailing demographic (screaming teenage girls) can vote repeatedly for their favorite male contestant and obliterate any actual true competition.

And to answer the question as to why I ever did watch the show in the first place.  Well, I always had this stupid idea that I might have been a famous singer in another life.  I really believed if I had ever just taken voice lessons or practiced or something, I might have been a singer.  Not a chance in hell, but it's always nice to dream.  I'm just tired of watching the most talented people get so far and then get booted off.  To the self-aggrandizing performances by the judges, who now think it is not only their job to judge, but to entertain as well.  A little reminder guys.  You're there to be a judge.  The show isn't about your next album or the book you wrote or whatever.  Get over yourselves!



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