I'm Writing a Post About....Oh Look! A Chicken!

Hey blog readers. Long time no contact. As you all know, my life has been in upheaval for the last year. First my best friend died and then my mom passed away.

Of course, I'm still grieving a lot, but I wanted to dip my toes back into the blogging waters. So, without further ado, I give you this:


Growing up, it was kind of a family joke that my dad was forgetful. (Sorry, Dad!) He would walk out without things like his bank deposit, the list of items he was supposed to get at the store, his wallet. He found his lack of memory to be frustrating to say the least. My mom, ever the peacekeeper, would usually have whatever it was he forgot waiting for him if she found it before he came home. Remember, this was before cell phones, so it wasn't quite so easy to work around these little memory slippages.

As Dad has gotten older and my mom got sick, we became a little more concerned that it was possible that he might have symptoms of early Alzheimer's Disease. But, much to my surprise, when I talked to my mom about my concerns last year, she said they had been to the doctor and Dad actually has ADD, also known as Attention Deficit Disorder. Whew, not Alzheimer's Disease. Very relieved, to say the least.

When I found out about my dad's diagnosis, I realized that I have a lot of the same symptoms as he does. I go into a room for something and forget what I was looking for. I leave and realize I've left my phone at home. I have a grocery list, but come home without half the things on it.

One time, I left my car running in a parking lot for an hour while I was at the therapist's office. I didn't turn the car off! I just got out and went into the building. I only began to worry when I realized I couldn't find my keys. When I got out to the parking lot, there my car was, still running! Amazing that no one jumped in and took it.

It's kind of hard to tease out my ADD symptoms from my bipolar impulsivity, but safe to say, I will agree that I have it in spades. I will have a sudden thought and immediately drop whatever I am doing to go do whatever the other thought prompted. I will empty the clean clothes into the basket and then leave it in the middle of the floor because when I walked through the kitchen, I remember I was supposed to be unloading the dishwasher or there was something on the stove that needed attention. I drive Justin crazy when we go somewhere, because my attention is always on something that is not directly in front of me, causing me to either block his path or bump into other people or trip and injure myself.

Some of the symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder (or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), as listed on .addreferral.com are

Distractibility; Disorganization; Forgetfulness; Procrastination; Chronic lateness; Chronic boredom; Anxiety; Depression; Low self-esteem; Mood swing; Employment problems; Restlessness; Substance abuse or addictions; Relationship problems.

Of course, a lot of those are also symptoms of bipolar disorder, but it is very possible to have comorbid mental disorders.

The best thing to do if you think you might have ADD or ADHD is to get a workup by a professional in your area. If you do have it, it can be managed with medication and/or therapy. Even adults can benefit from the combination of medication and therapy, both to get your brain slowed down enough to focus and to learn ways to cope with the disorder.

The website, www.addreferral.com, is a good place to start if you think you want to investigate further. I went onto the site and put in my city and state and found five providers in my city. Having worked in the psychology field in this area, I recognized all five names as being respected providers.

For myself, I basically deal with my ADD by trying to focus and be more aware of doing one this at a time and being present in the moment. And slowing down as much as I can. And years and years of therapy.

Now where did I put my car keys?

(This post sponsored by www.addreferral.com. However, all opinions expressed are my own.)

   

It Was a Lovely Service; Now I'm Going to Sleep for Six Months

My writing has absolutely suffered since my Mom got sick and I don't know if it will come back, but I wanted to give an update while I happened to be sitting in front of the computer.

The funeral was amazing. So many people brought quilts that my mother had finished and the entire church was covered in her artistry.

Just a few of the many quilts that were draped over every available service at the church.

Something very strange that has happened after Mom's passing. I have never been able to wear earrings. My ears always got infected every time I tried. In fact, I had two pairs of earrings that Justin had bought me - one was a beautiful pair of estate sale earrings in opal and the other a pair of diamond studs that I finally gave to my nieces since they were their birthstones - since I had no use for them. I hope my nieces are enjoying them, although I haven't heard back from them so I really just hope they got them.

My mom left me a ton of jewelry. Being the only girl and my brother not being married or having any children, almost all of her jewelry came to me. My mom loved wearing earrings and a good part of what I received were earrings. I was upset that I was unable to wear them, but I took them thinking that maybe I might have a daughter in law or granddaughter someday.

One day recently, I got frustrated at the fact that I couldn't wear my mother's earrings, as wearing her jewelry brings her closer to me. Even though my left hole had closed up in the back, I decided to give it one more try. I chose a beautiful pair of onyx hearts and set to work. The right earring went in no problem. After poking around a bit, the left one actually went through and I fastened both on, thinking, "I'll have to take these out in an hour because they'll start to hurt and itch." Then I forgot about them. By the end of the day, I had worn those earrings all day long, just like a normal person!

Yesterday, I went to put a pair in and wasn't doing it in front of the mirror. The left one felt kind of difficult to get in, but it went through. Later, I discovered that I had actually put the left earring into the second hole, which had been closed over for years. I don't know how I got it in there. I don't think I will be able to wear an earring in that hole, but I am so grateful to my mom for giving me back the ability to wear earrings in my two regular ear holes. Where else would that have come from? I've been allergic to every kind of metal I ever tried. So, thanks, Mom. These are the things that make me know you are still here watching over me.

I've been sleeping a LOT since Mom's passing and I don't know if that's normal or not, but sleeping your way through grief seems kind of like a short cut. I know I need to do the work, but maybe this is my body's way of getting through the initial stages. I haven't paid bills or balanced the checkbook since I got home. I'm sort of on auto pilot right now with a few sobbing sessions thrown in for good measure.

Justin had suggested that we get away for our 25th anniversary, which is next month, saying that after losing both my best friend and my mother within five months of one another, he felt I needed to get away. The only problem was what to do with the family - furry and otherwise. I finally said to him last night, "Let's board the dogs and let my dad take care of the younger boys. I'm sure he'd love to do it." I emailed my dad and he was all on board, so it looks like we will be going to somewhere down near Hilton Head Island probably in June after the kids get out of school. If Ben wants to go, I may buy him a round trip ticket, since I know he will have work and may not be able to stay as long as the other ones. My dad has talked about chartering a boat for deep sea fishing and I know all of the guys want to do that, so I figure Justin and I can have our romantic 25th anniversary and then we'll go back to my Dad's and they can go fishing before we go home. I don't really want to go anywhere right now, but I'm sure by June I will be ready for a tropical beach vacation for a few days.

We've got inches of snow and another snow day today. I sure wish spring would come so that we could get on with planting our memorial garden. I just wish there weren't so many people to memorialize. I hope my mom's passing will be the last terrible thing my children have to go through for a long, long time.

Hope you are having a better beginning to your 2013 than we are. Things can only look up from here. Or so I hope.

Christmas 2012 - so glad we were all together

  

Goodbye Mom

No matter how much you know it's coming, you're never quite prepared.

Mom had a rare form of sarcoma known as myxofibrosarcoma. It is diagnosed in only 10,000 people a year. It can be beaten, but it's not easy, as it is an aggressive cancer.

My mom fought harder than I could ever imagine and in her last month, the pain she endured was something I would not wish on my worst enemy. It's so hard to sit helplessly by and watch someone you love die. When it's your mother, I have to think that the only thing harder would be your child or your spouse. Or maybe they are all equally awful.

Mom passed away early Tuesday morning. She passed peacefully in her sleep and was in no pain. That is the only comfort I can find in this horrific experience. She endured so much pain, but she never thought of herself first.

We had the visitation down in South Carolina last night and I flew home this morning. My father, brother, and aunt will be driving up on Friday and we will hold a memorial service and celebration of her life on Saturday. We will display quilts that she made all over the church. It has a balcony that runs around the entire inside of the room where the service will be held that we can drape them over. After that, we have hired a caterer to take care of  the reception.

Then everyone will go home and it will be time to get back to my "normal" life. Except I'm not exactly sure how to do that.

I put together a slide show and wanted to upload it, but I'm just not tehnological enough to do it and I feel like I do nothing but ask Justin to help me with computer things. But here is the title page. I think it's so appropriate, because she loved nothing better than to be working on a quilt. It became her whole purpose in life after she retired. I knew that when the ability to quilt was no longer possible, Mom's illness would be a rapid decline.

Rest in peace, Mom. I love you.

And don't forget you promised to send me pennies.

I'm So Mad When I'm Not Weeping Uncontrollably

I know I haven't been the best of bloggers lately, but that is mostly because I have not had anything good to say and, since I hate reading negative posts myself, I figured I would just leave well enough alone and stick to stitching.

But after thinking it over, I realized that until I actually sat down and wrote out the fact that I am pissed off and depressed and why, I might not be able to get to a better place. So, for those of you who want unicorns and rainbows and glitter up your butt, you probably should stop reading now.

Here's your chance to move on....

Still with me? Okay, here's the scoop.

My best friend died in October and I'm absolutely still sick about it. But the world moves on and you are expected to also. Her husband wants me to work on her website for her foundation and I really want to do that, but now I am in the midst of my mother being very sick again and I find that I just don't have the emotional energy to put into fundraising for under 40 breast cancer patients while my mom is entering hospice care and having trouble walking. And also the fact that she is 600 miles away and the flights are out of this world expensive (which I didn't realize until after I had bought some new furniture and took a three day retreat to Ocean City for a stitching group) is really making me mad on top of my depression and recurrent bouts of sobbing.

I am going to slip in here something that I am very ashamed of. I am really angry at Malea for dying on me. She promised to be here for me while my mom is going through this cancer shit and she went and died first, so now I am dealing with it on my own. Well, not exactly on my own - I have Justin, who is awesome, and I have my therapist, who saves my life every week, and I have a lot of friends I have made in the sewing guild and also online friends. But it's simply not the same as it would be if Malea was alive for me to call every day and cry on her shoulders about how unfair cancer is. Like she wouldn't be the first one to agree with that statement, right? I know it wasn't her plan to die, but dammit, I need her and and I'm so mad at her for her cancer which is so unfair to her. She didn't ask for breast cancer, she fought harder than anyone I've ever known except my mom, and she lost her fight. Not. Her. Fault. But I keep fighting these angry feelings of "You promised you would be here and now you're not and it's not fair! You're supposed to be here!"

I keep having these weird dreams about some building that is somehow both a mall and a college dorm and I have to get on the elevator to get to either the dorm room or to class. This morning's dream was I was in an art class (something I am putting off, but plan to do) and I was late for a physics class. So I went to get on the elevator, but couldn't find the one that would take me to my dorm room to get my science book and then I decided screw it. I was failing math and science in this dream and I wasn't going to class because what was the point? And I didn't have the money for the tuition for the next semester, so I had taken someone's jewelry to sell and was trying to sell it and not get caught so I could pay my tuition.

I know. Weird, right? Analyze that, Freud.

I'm just mad all the time. Well, when I'm not crying hysterically because my life basically sucks. Justin is working about 20 hours of overtime a week and I am being as understanding as I can because his working pays for so much of the stuff I want to do and you know, keeps food on the table and the lights on, but I find that my husband is either always working and unavailable or too tired to have a conversation and to be honest, I miss him. But I can't say that because it puts pressure on him to spend more time with me and he doesn't have more time. So, both mad and depressed about that.

And, to make life even more fun, because Virginia has had a couple of inches of snow and a little bit of icy rain, school has been closed for about 10 days. Except for the one day they went last week. I expect to rearrange things in the summer to accommodate for this, but when it happens in the winter, it just throws me off kilter and makes me irritable, so I snap at Jamie for wanting to online shop and at Joey for making so much dirty laundry and then I feel even worse about myself.

I'm sure you know from my last post that we adopted a new puppy and she is an absolute sweetheart, but in the last week, she got a urinary tract infection and lost all of her training because she physically couldn't wait to go outside. So I was running around after her for three days cleaning up little puddles until our vet could get here. And with three dogs and no doggy door, Justin and I spend our days getting up to let the dogs in and out, which frankly is making me crazy. It's like herding two year olds, but I'm not quite sure what to do about it. We can't exactly tell them no, you just came in and I'm not letting you out again because you never know if they have to do their business and trust me, you do not want that in your house and then you can't exactly leave them outside because it's -10 degrees and you will have a dogsicle if you don't let them in. But in a few words, they are driving both of us nuts. That third dog tipped the scales just like having the third kid did.

I'd say I am having a bad bout of seasonal affective disorder, but situational depression seems way more likely. I'm walking around either totally pissed off and cussing or crying hysterically and no one knows what to do with me. I told Justin I feel like I have a bad case of PMS that just won't go away and he said he would be moving out now...not really, but he probably would like to run for it.

(Since I started writing this post, I have gotten up to clean up dog puke, give Sophie her UTI medicine, give Sophie her breakfast, and let each of them out several times. Do you see why I'm exasperated?)

All I want to do is sleep (which I'm doing a lot of, probably too much) and stitch and be left alone. But it's like I've traded one family of kids for another by having all these dogs and I seriously did not think it through because the little one is so damned cute. We talked about three being too many dogs, but Justin and I both agree that giving any of them up would be like Sophie's (pardon the pun) Choice. We're just too attached to them all, so if anyone has any answers that don't involve crating or a doggy door (because the cats would get out and I'm attached to them), I would love to hear them. Of course, I probably won't follow through with any suggestions if they involve any work, so I think I am stuck getting up from whatever episode of Parenthood that I am streaming 15 times to let them in and out and cursing so much that Joey will be kicked out of school at some point in the near future for repeating everything I've had to say lately, which is nothing but four letter words and incomprehensible mumbling through the tears.

In a word, I'm an emotional wreck that doesn't want to leave the house and wants to sleep all the time. And I would really like it if Frederick County would realize that a little bit of winter weather is not a good reason to cancel school for 19 days in a row. My routine is thrown off (and yes, I really do have a routine - it's just that no one knows what it is) and the kids are bored. Joey has done nothing but play video games and Jamie has done almost nothing but skype with his online girlfriend and I think they need to go learn something.

So, to sum up, I'm pretty much furious with cancer, mad at the world, crying uncontrollably at least once or twice a day, and taking it one breath at a time. I feel like I need a vacation from everything, but I just had a weekend away to stitch, so I don't think it's fair to say I need a vacation.

Oh. And to top off everything, the woman who I went to the retreat with had a massive heart attack the day after we got back. She's home now and doing okay, but I can't imagine what I would have done if it had happened while we were in Ocean City or while I was driving. I don't know CPR, so the best I could have done for her would have been to call 911 and I think I should take a CPR class, but I don't have the energy and I know I would skip class (see above dream) because I just wouldn't feel like going.

So, I'd like to apologize to everyone for how mad I am right now, although I can't say it's going to change anytime soon. And if I burst into tears on you, don't worry. It will pass in about an hour.

I have to go let the dog in. Or out. I'm not sure.


  

Into Every Life, A Puppy Must Come

I hope to be back into blogging here soon. It's been very tough since Malea passed away three weeks ago. And unfortunately, Justin's grandmother is nearing the end of her life (at 97) and my mother is sick again as well. It's been a tough year.

But, in the spirit of not being too much of a downer, please meet the newest member of the Newton household.

Stonewood's Princess Gentle Spirit Sophie Malea

This little girl is so sweet and so gentle. Our vet brought all three puppies for us to look at and little Sophie kept coming back to me.

We will be getting her on Friday, since we don't expect her to sleep through the night for the first week or so and it's better to start that puppy stuff on the weekend. And we need to get the appropriate accessories - crate, bed, toys...I can see the pet store bill already.

Justin was as taken by this little girl as I was. We have to be at our pet limit now and I don't think we will be adding any more anytime soon, but then again, I said we would stop with one dog and now we will have three. I have been absolutely amazed at how empathetic dogs are and they are getting me through what is a very difficult time in my life.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading your blogs. I hope to get back to that soon because I miss you. Bear with me as I go through this very life changing time.