I'm Published and I Didn't Even Realize It!

Check this out:

In case you're having trouble seeing it, here is the link: The Best of Ask A Bipolar: 2010-2011

I'm definitely going to have to get ahold of a copy for me, for my mom, for everyone who knows me....and please don't forget to download your own copy today! It's available on Kindle for $5.99.

This is truly a wonderful thing that happened to me today. And I have Marybeth Smith to thank. So thanks, Marybeth!


  

24 Ways to Know You've Been Married 24 Years

1. You can't think of anything your spouse doesn't know about you.

2. You text each other grocery lists instead of love notes.

3. You text apologies after an argument. And remind him to pick up dog food.

4. You know exactly what to say to annoy each other.

5. You annoy each other just for the entertainment value.

6. One (or both) of you doesn't bother to close the bathroom door anymore while peeing.

7. You know he can't hear you, but you start talking to him from the other room anyway. And get mad when you have to repeat yourself.

8. You started your marriage with traditional gender roles. Now he does the grocery shopping because he's better at it. And the cooking. You have the sex talks with your sons.

9. You have at least one kid you can't get to move out who really should have moved out two years ago.

10. You used to look deep into each other's eyes and declare your undying love for each other. Now you discuss how much is in the checkbook and what you need from Lowe's.

11. You used to have little people who asked for your food. Now you have big people who sneak your food and raid your chocolate stash after you go to bed. And then put the empty bags and boxes back in the pantry so you'll think you still have food.

12. Speaking of bed, you used to spend the night in each other's arms. Now there are two cats and a dog on your bed and sleep actually is more alluring than sex.

13. You have a bedtime and your children don't.

14. Your husband's mid-life crisis is a bright red convertible that he plans to pass down in the will to whichever child actually moves out at some point.

15. You annoy each other just because you're bored.

16. When you first got married, you attended rock concerts or drove to the beach just to get away for a weekend. Now, a date is dinner out that you cut short so you can get home to let the dogs out. Because your kids won't.

17. You have totally different interests. His interests bore you and your interests bore him.

18. 24 years ago, you couldn't stand the thought of being away from each other for more than a couple of hours. Now, you never have the house to yourself and dream of an exotic vacation. By yourself.

19. You stream videos on your laptop while he watches sports on television so you can be in the same room without wanting to kill each other.

20. When you first got married, you wore sexy underwear that matched. 24 years later, you wear three year old cotton underwear that is a size too small and pray you don't get into an accident.

21. Fun in bed now consists of getting in some extra reading time.

22. He agrees not to tell you you've gained 20 pounds if you agree not to ask him, "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

23. You're driving a 12 year old car with 150,000 miles on it. Because it's paid for and the taxes on it are cheap.

24. You'd marry him all over again, despite all of the above. Or because of it. Because 24 years later, you still know he's the guy that's perfect for you.


  

Our Dogs Hold Hands

Here's an awwww moment. Justin and I were both immediately on it with the iPhone cameras.

Please don't take her away from me! I LUV HER!

They follow each other around all day and Jack tries to herd Charlotte, even though she is technically the "herding" breed.

Charlotte is bringing so much joy to our household. Jack is no longer lonely. He waits for her before he will go out. She won't go out without him. They play at who is more dominant and, because Charlotte is half his size, usually ends up with a head full of saliva and ears that look like they went through a wringer.

I'm feeling as if we have reached our animal quota. I don't want to be one of those people that the city discovers with the urine smell so overpowering they can't enter the home without masks. I think two cats and two dogs will do it for us at the moment.

Charlotte was in the right place at the right time with the right personality. Now, if I can just teach her that 6:00 a.m. is an ungodly hour to get up to pee!

Happy Memorial day weekend to everyone. I hope you are either at the beach or at least eating barbeque, but please take time to remember why we have this holiday and those that have given their lives for our freedom. There is no way we can ever repay the debt we owe our service men and women.


  

My Own Ruby Slippers

Shouldn't we all have a pair of these?

The other day, I had a doctor's appointment. For me, this is a huge event, preceded by extreme planning - what to wear, how long to allot for the hour long drive if it is raining and there might (might???? hahahaha!!!!) be traffic, what meds to throw in my purse, kindle or book I might finish if they are ever running late (never with this doctor), should I bring my sewing...

I never cancel appointments with this doctor or even reschedule them. And with the distance, you would think I'd never get there. Because an agoraphobic, neurotic mental patient usually has trouble getting to commitments five minutes away. An hour? In a 12 year old Jeep? Usually, I'd be searching for a new doctor. But, I've belabored how much I love my doctor before and why he is so worthy of ditching my fear of the outdoors for the hour long ride and the eighteen wheelers on the two land road through the mountains of West Virginia.

After the appointment, which ended in a referral to a specialist that hasn't been set up or rescheduled three or four times yet, I spent the hour back noticing that I was getting very anxious to get home. And I wondered whether that is true of most people. When you get done with whatever you have planned outside, are you pushing yourself to get back inside?

I had two errands to run before coming home, both at the end of my trip. I convinced myself that I could do them, stopped off at the first store, made it to the second store, and then drove the last mile to the house. And stumbled up the steps with my bags, so incredibly glad to come home. And also incredibly glad that I had nowhere to go for the next two days.

I didn't realize this, but agoraphobia is not actually a fear of leaving your house. It's a fear of situations from which you might not be able to escape. Why this should include wide-open spaces, I have no idea, but it makes sense that after having panic attacks in crowds, at the mall, in traffic, all situations from which it is difficult to extricate myself, my fear of going out seems completely normal to me.

The difference between agoraphobia and claustrophobia is that claustrophobia is the fear of small, enclosed, confined spaces. It's way more specific. And it isn't related to the fear that you are going to have a panic attack. Agoraphobia comes about because you've had panic attacks in certain situations. In my case, I've had panic attacks in so many different situations that it has become more safe for me (in my mind) to just not go anywhere. And then when I do eventually manage to get myself out of the house, I find that I actually enjoy it, unless a situation presents itself where I am unable to escape. Like traffic. Or the mall. (The mall is the 10th circle of hell. I'm pretty sure that Dante would have added it if there had been malls when he was writing his Inferno.)

But back to the original question. Do all people start getting anxious when they are getting close to home after being out? I know people are usually glad to get home, but I can feel myself actually rushing when I know I'm headed away from whatever it was I was doing and heading back to my safe place. Which is different from my happy place, which only exists in my head. And Cabo.

I suspect that it's not really normal to have this kind of anxiety about the final destination of returning home and I suspect that most people do not rush the way that I do to get there. 

I think I would be pretty good if I was able to have everything I needed delivered, including healthcare (oh, those housecalls!), and never actually have to go anywhere. Justin often teases me a out how much I use online shopping and "taking things for a ride around the country." I have become an expert in seeing if I can get free shipping so I don't have to go out.

Of course, there are exceptions and things that I do like to do. I like to visit friends. I like to go to the embroidery group events. And I like the occasional lunch or movie with my husband or kids. But I still find myself rushing to get home.

As Dorothy said, "There's no place like home." I can see all kinds of uses for those ruby slippers.

  

Did You Ever Have One of Those Decades?

You know how people will say they are just having one of those days? Or weeks? Or months? Or even years?

I think I'm having one of those decades.

On the one hand, there are some really neat things happening in my life. I joined the Embroidery Guild. I've met some new people and think some are potential good friend material. Joey got to sit in on his very first IEP meeting and that was totally cool. I'm going to the beach and will spend a whole week with my parents next month. And then Justin and I are going to Gettysburg in August.

On the other hand...

Do things ever all of a sudden just crush your spirit to the point where you wonder what the hell hit you? Last year, I kept saying I couldn't wait for the year to be over because it was the worst year of my life. And really, it was a bad year. We lost Justin's dad. My mom was going through horrible treatment for metastatic cancer. My best friend's breast cancer had come back. So I figured that 2012 had to be better, right?

Fast forward to 2012 and holy cow, can we rewind the clock or something?

Malea's cancer is now stage 4 metastatic breast cancer and is in her lungs, pleura, and her neck. She is undergoing extreme chemo again and is having horrific pain. I don't know what to do to help her, but the best thing I can do is be her friend and just be here for her.

And, as I try as hard as I can to handle how bad things are for the woman who is more like my sister than my best friend, I am also having some health problems of my own. Some vague and unrelated symptoms have come together to a point that I am starting to think something might be really wrong - like possibly needing surgery wrong. Again.

Since moving to Winchester, I've had two major surgeries. Gall bladder in 2007 and hysterectomy in 2010. I think the hysterectomy has caused more problems than it solved and that is what is worrying me now. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to see what the hell they think might be going on.

Right now, I am terribly frustrated with myself. I'm angry that my body is breaking down on me again when my best friend needs me so much.

And between feeling like crap and worrying about her, I just can't seem to get myself together.

I spend more time in my pajamas than in clothes. And speaking of clothes, I keep having to go buy bigger ones, which is also depressing the crap out of me. I'm finally into the old lady section of the store, looking for pants with elastic waistbands. What the hell? In my mind, I'm still 16 and weigh 105 pounds and am too skinny. In reality, my pants size is in double digits.

I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.

I can't get off the couch. Except to move to the recliner.

I'm not getting the sewing done that I would like to get done. I'm not reading the massive amounts of books I usually read. I am trying more than usual not to go out the door. Last week, I had something scheduled every single day and it freaked me out.

I'm not writing nearly as much as I used to. And I miss it. I've lost my rhythm and can't seem to get it back.

Yesterday, I got caught up watching a movie and didn't even shower until noon. I used to shower when I got up first thing in the morning because I didn't feel like the day had really started until I had a shower.

I know, this sounds like major depression. Except I don't think it is. I don't feel sad so much as I feel frustrated and angry. I want to feel better. I want Malea's cancer to go away. I want the three stress free days at a spa that we had planned.

I wish I had something pithy and interesting to say to end this post, but I'm just too tired to try to come up with something that smacks of wisdom.

All I know is that I wouldn't want to be 16 again. I like being in my 40's. Except that bad things are starting to happen all around me and I'm not sure I'm mature enough to handle it all.

So, I guess the way I will end this post is to say that things will get better, hopefully. And to stay tuned for a giveaway.  (I know, right? You weren't expecting that!)

If you would like to help my friend with her medical costs, please go to Save Malea. She is back with her regular insurance, but she still has costs at the center every week. Every penny helps. A huge thanks from me if you are able to help or if you have helped in the past.